She stood in the back of the room. The mood was very somber. Groups of people were standing throughout. Flowers of all shapes and sizes decorated the room in strategic places. She stood there watching the interactions of those around her. The grief in their hearts was weighing heavy on hers. Stepping away from the wall, she weaved her way through the crowded room catching bits and pieces of conversation. The sad whispers buried the room in a murmur. Tissues were filling up the waste baskets along with the mini cups and bottles of water. She left the room and walked into the hallway. The murmur seemed to carry out here as well. She walked to the back and found the chapel. The only room that was not crowded. Mostly everyone was in the front of the building. She turned and looked down the long hallway. Children, grandchildren, great-grandchildren, friends and other family walked around talking with one another. She turned around and walked to the windows looking out behind the building.
The parking lot was full. There were people outside. Kids running around, probably playing tag. Another group gathered smoking cigarettes. The sun shined through the windows and she thought she could feel the warmth on her skin. She smiled and turned from the windows walking back through the hallway.
Everyone looked so nice. Mostly wearing suits or dresses. Some a little more casual but still dressed up. Though everyone seemed saddened there was a feeling of relief in the air. A common feeling that everything was OK now. A scream from behind made her jump. She turned to see one of the young children running down the hall. Giggles filling the room. Smiles spread on the faces of those in hallway as they watched the baby running around. Laughter. Never did the sound of laughter feel so good to her. She couldn't help but feel the smile spread across her own face. It was like she could feel each muscle stretching to make that smile. A feeling she hadn't felt in so long.
She turned and walked from room to room. Looking at all the faces around her she recognized them all. It didn't matter how long ago it was since she'd seen them, she remembered them. The heaviness in her heart started to lift at the recollection of so many faces. So many things suddenly running through her mind. Happiness. Sadness. Loneliness. Every memory rushing through her. So much emotion flooded her that she thought she felt a stream of tears running down her face. Instead of pain however, she felt relief. How does one feel pain and relief at the same time?
She realized now that all of these memories of the past were flooding through her mind, but the current ones were scattered. Missing and cloudy memories drifted through those of the past. How did she get here? When did she get here? She couldn't remember these details. The feeling like her world was fading around her again as she focused on these missing memories. The room around her quieted. The murmurs gone. She stood in the hallway, in the center of everyone. Everything. Quiet. So quiet. The silence was so chilling that everything and everyone around her seemed to be screaming at her. The screaming got louder. She covered her ears and closed herself off to her surroundings. She couldn't take it. The feeling of sweat building on her skin. The heat rushing to the surface. The fear growing inside her. A scream of her own ready to be let go. Just as she opened her mouth to let her scream fly something stopped her. The screaming around her stopped when the word whispered into her ear, "Gram"
She snapped back to the hallway. She remembered now. She walked passed those around her and stood back in the room she started in. Standing at the back of the room she saw them standing in the front. Two of her grandchildren. Standing there looking down at an open box. A casket. It was her. Her body was in that casket and she remembered. She was no longer among the living. Only recently deceased. Looking around the room she realized that all of these people in the crowded rooms and surrounding the building were here for her. They came to say goodbye, to let her go. From the back of the room she could hear her grandchildren talking to her. They were reminiscing of all the times they got to spend with her. The memories that will last a life time and more. She could hear it in their voices that they were grieving hard and they needed to be consoled. Knowing now that she couldn't walk up to them and hug them herself she looked around. She saw a bowl filled with peppermints. They were more than just peppermints to her. Fussy Candy. The name struck her and she knew it would work.
One of the little girls running around stopped in front of her and looked her right in her eyes. They shared a smile as she knelt down to the little girl. She asked the girl to take the peppermints to her grandchildren. She watched as the girl followed the instructions. When the girl reached them and offered the candy she could tell it felt like a hug from her. They looked at each other and back down to her. Their smiles said it all. They knew she was there watching after them and that they'd be OK.
She loved everyone that came to say goodbye. She realized that she may not have been able to say goodbye the way she would have liked, but the feeling here was not pain and suffering. Sure they will grieve. Sure they will miss her. She'll miss them too. She just wished she could let them know that she was better now. She was whole again. She was with them anywhere they went. She may lack a corporeal form, but she will forever remain in their hearts.
As she stood at the door and watched the last of them part she whispered goodbye. She turned and walked back to her body. She stood there momentarily holding her own hand.
"Ready Frances?" The voice was familiar but not one she had heard in many many years. She turned and saw him reaching his hand out for hers. He smiled, "Let's go dancing."
She realized now that all of these memories of the past were flooding through her mind, but the current ones were scattered. Missing and cloudy memories drifted through those of the past. How did she get here? When did she get here? She couldn't remember these details. The feeling like her world was fading around her again as she focused on these missing memories. The room around her quieted. The murmurs gone. She stood in the hallway, in the center of everyone. Everything. Quiet. So quiet. The silence was so chilling that everything and everyone around her seemed to be screaming at her. The screaming got louder. She covered her ears and closed herself off to her surroundings. She couldn't take it. The feeling of sweat building on her skin. The heat rushing to the surface. The fear growing inside her. A scream of her own ready to be let go. Just as she opened her mouth to let her scream fly something stopped her. The screaming around her stopped when the word whispered into her ear, "Gram"
She snapped back to the hallway. She remembered now. She walked passed those around her and stood back in the room she started in. Standing at the back of the room she saw them standing in the front. Two of her grandchildren. Standing there looking down at an open box. A casket. It was her. Her body was in that casket and she remembered. She was no longer among the living. Only recently deceased. Looking around the room she realized that all of these people in the crowded rooms and surrounding the building were here for her. They came to say goodbye, to let her go. From the back of the room she could hear her grandchildren talking to her. They were reminiscing of all the times they got to spend with her. The memories that will last a life time and more. She could hear it in their voices that they were grieving hard and they needed to be consoled. Knowing now that she couldn't walk up to them and hug them herself she looked around. She saw a bowl filled with peppermints. They were more than just peppermints to her. Fussy Candy. The name struck her and she knew it would work.
One of the little girls running around stopped in front of her and looked her right in her eyes. They shared a smile as she knelt down to the little girl. She asked the girl to take the peppermints to her grandchildren. She watched as the girl followed the instructions. When the girl reached them and offered the candy she could tell it felt like a hug from her. They looked at each other and back down to her. Their smiles said it all. They knew she was there watching after them and that they'd be OK.
She loved everyone that came to say goodbye. She realized that she may not have been able to say goodbye the way she would have liked, but the feeling here was not pain and suffering. Sure they will grieve. Sure they will miss her. She'll miss them too. She just wished she could let them know that she was better now. She was whole again. She was with them anywhere they went. She may lack a corporeal form, but she will forever remain in their hearts.
As she stood at the door and watched the last of them part she whispered goodbye. She turned and walked back to her body. She stood there momentarily holding her own hand.
"Ready Frances?" The voice was familiar but not one she had heard in many many years. She turned and saw him reaching his hand out for hers. He smiled, "Let's go dancing."
